Good Girl Vs Bad Girl

The severity of the itch is proportional to inability to the reach it.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

I asked my wife why there were so many dings on the driver's side of her Mercedes and she said the brakes must be bad on that side.

After you lose an election, will they let you back into all the exclusive clubs you resigned from?

This is the only place in the country where people pull over and stop for a funeral, but speed up to cut off an ambulence or a firetruck.

I went out today and bought everything I've been wanting, because now that the elections are over, I know that the politicians are going to take care of the middle class.

The best advice for teenagers is, leave home now while you still know everything.

I really feel sorry for Madonna's baby, having to grow without a last name.

Is it a law of nature that women have to sneeze as soon as they apply their mascara?

The two biggest problems in America are making ends meet and making meetings end.

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder Why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

[Half]

A young executive was working late, trying to impress his
boss. As he was leaving the office, at 7p.m., he found the
CEO standing in front of the document shredder with a piece
of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and
important document, and my secretary left hours ago. Can
you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. Excited with the
opportunity to kiss up to the man, he turned the machine on,
inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, "I don't know what I
would have done without you."

As his paper disappeared inside the machine the relieved
CEO says, "Now, I'll need two copies."

[Half]

Bubba & Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when the
decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought
five tickets each at a dollar a pop.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a
prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti
sauce and extra long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet
brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the
neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he
liked his prize.

Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's
that toilet brush?"

"Not so good," replied Bubba. "I reckon I'm gonna go back to
paper."

[Half]

Here is a very simple little test comprised of four questions
to determine the level of your intellect. Your replies must be
spontaneous and immediate, with no deliberating or wasting
time... And no cheating!


1: You are competing in a race and overtake the runner lying
in second place. In which position are you now?












Answer: If you answered that you're now coming first then
you're completely wrong. You overtook the second runner and
took their place, therefore you're coming second. For the
next question try not to be so dim.

2: If you overtake the last runner, what position are you
now in?












Answer: If you answered second-last, once again you're
completely wrong. Think about it. How can you over take the
person coming last? If you're behind them then they can't be
last. The answer is impossible! It would appear that thinking
is not one of your strong points.

Anyway, here's another to try, don't take any notes or use a
calculator, and remember your replies must be instantaneous.
Take heart!

3: Take 1000. Add 40. Add another 1000. Add 30. 1000 again.
Plus 20. Plus 1000. And plus 10. What is the total?





Answer: 5000? Wrong again! The correct answer is 4100. Try
again with a good calculator. Today is clearly not your day.
Although you should manage to get the last question right...

4: Marie's father has five daughters: 1. Chacha 2. Cheche 3.
Chichi 4. Chocho Question: What is the fifth daughter's name?
Think quickly... you'll find the answer below.














Answer: Chuchu? WRONG! It's obviously Marie! Read the question
again.

[Half]

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the
director, "What is the criterion that defines a patient to
be institutionalized?"

"Well..." said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, and we
offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and
ask him to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor, with a chuckle. "A
normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than
the spoon or the teacup. Right?"

"Noooooooo!" answered the director. "A normal person would
pull the plug."

After numerous rounds of: "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the F B I. No one could solve it so it went to the C I A, then to NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. MI-6 cabled the White House:

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.